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Fortnite Season 5: Couldn't Care Less, Watching 'Friends'

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Fortnite season five launched today and while it's the biggest patch ever for the game, I stopped playing the game right around the point everyone started losing their collective minds over a meteor in the sky. Then there was a rocket launch but before that, an Avengers tie-in and something about a playground recently and now its an esport — it is exhausting trying to keep up. But now you can drive golf carts now, so, game on?

Not so fast. Since I haven't been playing Fortnite I've been re-watching Friends on Netflix, because getting merc'ed a dozen or so times on a near nightly basis was starting to wear on my nerves. I needed some comfort food for the brain. Sure, there are relaxing games, like Trials: Fusion, but to truly step away from the frustration of being terrible at Fortnite, I had to silence the Xbox One. Like season five of Fortnite, season five of Friends was one of the biggest of the show's history.

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The biggest change you'll notice on the Fortnite season five map is a bright, sandy spot occupying a large chunk of the map where the swamp used to be. That'll be a desert with a new location, Paradise Palms. No doubt a trendy resort community full of elderly retirees. In season five of Friends, some of the biggest surprises came in the final episode, which took place in the middle of the desert as well. The finale, taking place in Vegas, appears to show Ross and Rachel getting married (they do not) while Chandler and Monica ponder doing the same. Of course, like you when you finish in 3rd place in Battle Royale, the group is unable to express their emotions in a healthy manner and nothing is resolved.

Just like the one where Ross, Joey and Chandler go on a ride-along with Phoebe's cop boyfriend Gary, you can now go on a ride-along with your friends in Fortnite thanks to the addition of All Terrain Kart (ATK). Unlike the cop car, the roof of the cart is a bounce pad. This is a great addition to the game, if you play with a squad. Since I had generally been playing solo, losing solo and getting angry solo, this isn't a big enough change to drag me back into the battle. Like when Joey found out about Monica and Chandler, I'm still a little blown away by the scope of what this game has become.

Fortnite has become a behemoth. When it finally landed on the Nintendo Switch, it was pretty clear that Fortnite would be dominating the gaming conversation for a long time. While some folk are concentrating hard on solving those season five challenges or hunting treasure, I'm happy watching the "The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS", another episode that highlights the bumbling emotional instability of the oft-poorly dressed Ross.

I haven't completely given up on the game, but considering I'll be purchasing a Sony PS4 later this year, the lack of cross-progression with Sony is a detriment to really continuing with the seasons. I'm not the only one leaving behind past progressions, as whatever rewards I've earned mean little if I can't take them with me.

There are two updates that mean a lot to some people, one of which I never noticed because my dexterity was never as good as the teenagers wasting me game after game. That would be the update to the shotgun dynamics, with consistent spread patterns and the removal of the ability to be able to fire one shotgun, quickly switch to another and fire almost immediately. Now there is a delay, but I was never quick enough to make that move anyway. Like when Ross said Rachel's name at the altar instead of Emily's. My brain just doesn't work that quick in-game.

Like Ross being essentially homeless throughout part of the season, the storm circle in Fortnite now moves around a bit as it closes in. It was hard enough trying to get to that circle with players at my back just playing for kills, now it can shift while it shrinks. The center of storm circles 7, 8 and 9 will move around randomly while it shrinks. While this might serve to even the field a little bit, it's still not enough for me to give up the warm and fuzzy 90s nostalgia I get from watching 'Friends'.

Yet, like "The One with All the Resolutions" I feel like I'm making promises I can't keep. These updates to Fortnite (full list here) are pretty comprehensive and might be enough to eventually get me back into the battle. While I'm hoping Sony comes around on the cross-progression, Epic Games is moving forward quickly with enhancing and optimizing Fortnite, creating something that even us casual gamers just can't ignore. Plus, I've always wanted to die in the desert.

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